I have been struggling with whether or not to write about this for YEARS now. I feel an urgency to share some of my story but have wanted to make sure that sense of urgency I was feeling was driven by the Holy Spirit and not some sort of self-gratification.
I am going to begin writing some thoughts on this subject but I’m not sure if, or when, I will ever post this. It’s a deeply personal subject and I’m a somewhat private person. I know that may surprise some of you as I’m very interactive on social media but, if you notice, I don’t share deeply personal information on there.
I have written about this subject many times – mostly personal journaling – but it has, in the past, been a very painful subject for me to write about – not because I haven’t experienced God’s love, grace and mercy. Not because He hasn’t brought healing and restoration in my life but just because I’m human and when I write about this subject it dredges up some very painful memories.
I grew up a Preacher’s Kid – the only life I ever knew until I was 20 years old. Grew up in a very loving and supportive family. I was instructed and nurtured in the admonition of the Lord. I had the privilege of attending a Christian school. I was very involved in service in my youth group and church. HOW IN THE WORLD, then, did I manage to make some of the decisions I made?
I married young – age 20 to be exact! We didn’t date very long before getting engaged. I married with the same dream and expectations that most young Christian girls have – fairy tale, prince charming type expectations. I knew I wanted to be a wife, homemaker and mother and I was all of those things. Perfect ?- not hardly…but faithful? Absolutely!!!
Fast forward ten years later and SUDDENLY and VERY UNEXPECTEDLY I found myself going through a divorce and learning to parent on my own. I never wanted this for my life. Who does?? I never suspected a THING – didn’t see it coming and apparently was the last to know. Sure, we had our problems but, if you had asked me back then, I would have told you our marriage was the best it had ever been. I can’t tell you the life-consuming feelings of rejection that overtake you when you suddenly realize that your life’s mate is CHOOSING to walk away and start over! It was devastating and it seemed my life existed in slow motion for WEEKS and MONTHS after the initial shock.
Overnight, after being a stay-at-home mom for several years, I was faced with the frightening prospect of being the primary breadwinner for myself and children. I had no skills to speak of – except that I had taken some secretarial and office courses in high school. I was terrified but had no choice but to press forward – I had two precious children ages 8 and 5 that were counting on me. I couldn’t wallow – it was about survival at that point.
That was almost 20 years ago now. What a journey I’ve been on since!!
As I prayerfully write the next few blogs please understand that I will not discuss my children’s feelings and experiences. They have a good relationship with their dad and it is not my intention to presume to express what they felt or how they are doing now. They are adults and can share their experiences and feelings if they so choose. It is not my desire to hurt my ex-husband or his family in any way. It is, however, my desire to give hope to the hurting.
You cannot walk through a life changing event such as the unexpected ending of an 11 year marital union without it affecting how you see yourself, your other relationships, and most importantly how you see God. I will write about the grief/anger/frustration/despair/healing/ and restoration that this divorce brought into my life.This single event did more to affect how I view God and who I KNOW Him to be than any other event in my life. It helped me to understand His most endearing attributes and come to truly know Him as Jehovah Jireh!
Please pray, as I write these next posts, that the Holy Spirit would guide what I am to share. It is not my desire to “air my dirty laundry” as some sort of therapy – time and God’s faithfulness have been my therapy. It is only my desire to proclaim to the hurting that God can take the broken pieces of your situation and put those pieces back together with the expertise that only the Master of the Universe possesses. I truly believe that, at this point, I would be walking in disobedience if I didn’t share what God has done in my life in the past 20 years since August 22, 1994.
If you know of someone who is grief-stricken, walking through divorce or just plain in dire need of encouragement please share this blog…